jehh

Cute joke

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Embarrassing moments

A radio station in the Australia recently ran a phone-in competition to

find the most embarrassing moments in listeners lives. The following are the

final four place getters:

4th place

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold

of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I

told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would

be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just

as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that

I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening,

after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were

doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with

my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me

were the screams of laughter."

3rd place

"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my

parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for

a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the

telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give

her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we

didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs,

the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled

"surprise". My entire family, ... aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my

friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot

in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again."

2nd place

"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got

up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the public address system and

boomed out for all the store to hear. "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13. TAMPAX,

SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store

apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks". In a very

business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address system:

DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB

OR THE KIND YOU BELT IN WITH A HAMMER?"

AND THE WINNER IS!

This one happened at a major Australian University in October last year.

In a biology lecture, a professor was discussing the high glucose levels

found in semen. A young female freshman, raised her hand and asked, "If I

understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen,

as in sugar?" "That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add

some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why

doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out

laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly

what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books,

and without a word walked out of the class, and never returned. However, as

she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally

straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because

the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the

back of your throat!"

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A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him,

"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the

rabbit sat on the ground, below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on

the rabbit and ate it.

DO YOU KNOW MORAL OF THE STORY IS?

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Tired & Overworked!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on

lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job,

but now I found out the real reason:

I'm tired because I'm overworked!

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school,

which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed

by the federal government,

leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,

which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people

who work for State and City Governments

and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And YOU are sitting at your computer

reading jokes...

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Quick Eye Exam...

This will blow your mind...!

Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try this its actually quite good.

But don't cheat!

Count the number of F's in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE

RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC

STUDY COMBINED WITH THE

EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Managed it?

For those of you who cannot work out the answer You will get it tomorrow?

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A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a

brand new Range Rover advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses

and a Hermes tie leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd:

"If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you

give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, then at his peacefully grazing

flock and calmly answers "sure!"

The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook,connects it to a

cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up

a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database

and some 30 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulae.

Finally he prints out a 10 page report on his hi-tech miniaturised

printer,turns round to our shepherd and says:

"you have exactly 1586 sheep here!"

"That's right. And, as agreed, you can take one of the sheep" says the

shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in

his Range Rover. Then he says: "If I can tell you exactly what your

business is, will you give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not" answers the young man.

"You are a consultant" says the shepherd. "That's right"

says the yuppie,

"How did you guess?"

"Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody

called you.

You want to be paid for the answer to a question when I already

knew the answer.

And you don't know a f***ing thing about my business, that's obvious.

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Found this one while cleaning...

_____________________

When Apollo Misson Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky". Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Just last year, (On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of the bedroom windows of his neighbours, Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky: "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

______________

Supposedly true.

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<quote> Steel's story </quote>

Damn I'll eat my hat if that's true!

That is THE BEST! And to think it happened for real... sometimes, life does seem to be more than just coincidence :roll:

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After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not reponsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. he could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anquished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

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A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him,

"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the

rabbit sat on the ground, below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on

the rabbit and ate it.

MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be

sitting very, very high up!

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WHY (SOME!) AMERICANS SHOULD NOT BE LET OUT OF THE COUNTRY

Actual comments from US travel agents ............

(1) I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get

messed up by being near the window.

(2) A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going

over all the cost infor, she asked : " Would it be cheaper to fly to

California and then take the train to Hawaii? "

(3) I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to

explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she

interrupted me with : " I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but

Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the

stupid one, I calmly explained:" Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown

is in Africa." Her response ........ click ( off the telephone immediately ).

(4) A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what

was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view

room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the

middle of the state. He replied, " Don't lie to me. I looked on the map

and Florida is a very thin state. "

(5) I got a call from a man who asked, " Is it possible to see England

from Canada ? " I said, " No. " He said, " But they look so close on the map."

(6) Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I

pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a one-hour lay-over in

Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said : " I heard

Dallas is a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time. "

(7) A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that

her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33 am.

I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she

could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the

plane went very fast, and she bought that !

8: A woman called and asked : " Do airlines put your physical

description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who ? "

I said, " No, why do you ask ? " She replied, " Well, when I checked in

with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm

overweight. Is there any connection ? " After putting her on hold for a

minute, while I looked into it, I came back and explained that the city

code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a

destination tag on her luggage.

(9) I just got off the phone with a man who asked, " How do I know which

plane to get on ? " asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "

I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have

numbers on them. "

(10) A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of

those computer planes. " I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a

commuter plane. She said, " Yeah, whatever. "

(11) A business man called and had a question about the documents he

needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about

passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. " Oh no I don't, I've been to China

many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure

enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this, he said : " Look,

I've been to China four times, and every time they have accepted my

American Express. "

(12) A woman called to make reservations, " I want to go from Chicago to

Hippopotamus, New York. " The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the

agent said :" Are you sure that's the name of the town ? " " Yes, what

flights do you have ? " replied the customer. After some searching, the

agent came back with : " I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport

code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer

retorted, " Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map

! " The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered :

" You don't mean Buffalo, do you ? " " That's it ! I knew it was a big animal. "

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51 Days

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant

blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit

down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51

days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two

more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture

in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days,

51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a

beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and

celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us.

So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The

side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

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25 Phrases Of Wisdom

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

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25 Phrases Of Wisdom

So true, so true...

Thanks for the humor, you've brightened my day. :)

Jason

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WHY (SOME!) AMERICANS SHOULD NOT BE LET OUT OF THE COUNTRY  

Buffalo and pepsi-cola was real surprise!

Davis wrote:

25 Phrases Of Wisdom

Brillitant!!!!

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jehh

Joined: 30 Dec 2001

Posts: 3656

Location: Earth

Posted: Fri Aug 09, 2002 11:22 am Post subject: Politically Incorrect Humor

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the Cuban national anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had an A.D.D. baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

They're hiring. (Kind of reminds me of the hangar list at the airport)

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

Because they're not going to work in the future, either.

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?

A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairy tale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."

Times have changed. Years ago.....When 100 white men chased 1 black man, they called it the Ku Klux Klan.

Today they call it the PGA TOUR!

_________________

Airplane pilots soar gracefully through the air.

Helicopter pilots simply beat it into submission.

----------------

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

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dextroz

Joined: 26 Mar 2002

Posts: 401

Location: Bombay, India

Posted: Fri Aug 09, 2002 12:22 pm Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jason, that's a RIOT!

Just to keep continuity for everybody else who comes in late, I suggest you cut-copy-paste the post in the "cute Joke" threads...

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jehh

Joined: 30 Dec 2001

Posts: 3656

Location: Earth

Posted: Fri Aug 09, 2002 1:01 pm Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dextroz wrote:

Jason, that's a RIOT!

Just to keep continuity for everybody else who comes in late, I suggest you cut-copy-paste the post in the "cute Joke" threads...

Thanks. Wish it was mine, but still funny...

As for the Cute Joke thread, dammit, I forgot to post it there. My bad...

<slaps self>

Jason

_________________

Airplane pilots soar gracefully through the air.

Helicopter pilots simply beat it into submission.

----------------

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

Back to top

The Giver

Joined: 30 Dec 2001

Posts: 515

Location: The Giver has spoken... So let it be written.. So let it be done!

Posted: Fri Aug 09, 2002 5:53 pm Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TEXAS "KOMPUTER" TALK...

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.

DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk

MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood

FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood

RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood

HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time

PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time

WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside

SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season

BYTE: Whut dem flys do

CHIP: Munchies fer the TV

MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag

MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields

DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife

LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps

KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the truck keys

SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs

MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn

MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf

PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine

ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all

RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer

the rifle when yore wife asks

MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the rat hole.

_________________

"Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes."

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"Jus' like 'at..."

So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst into tears, I said

"do you recognise the tune?", he said "I recognise the ivory".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a

fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said

"Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".He

said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack

myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds

later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the

factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was

Weggie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said

"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're

closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the

night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I

said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,

this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red

rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked

for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a

competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it

will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your

carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic

converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",

he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check

tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind

me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,

even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's

bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.I

said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I

thought "That's a turtle disaster".

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Child Support Agency Forms

The following are all replies that women have

English Child Support Agency forms in the section for

listing father's details:

* 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my

twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am

unsure as to the identity of the father of child B,

but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

* 2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of

my child as I was being sick out of a window when

taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with

a list of names of men that I think were at the party

if this helps.

* 3. I do not know the name of the father of my

little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and

date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I *

met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good

that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the

father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

* 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my

daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by

my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can

contact BMW service stations in this area and see if

he's had it replaced.

*6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as

he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and

that would have cataclysmic implications for the

British economy. I am torn between doing right by you

and right by my country please advise.

* 7. I do not know who the father of my child was as

all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that

he was a Royal Green Jacket.

* 8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do

catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my

AC/DC CDs ?

* 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was

conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic

Kingdom.

* 10. So much about that night is a blur. The only

thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a

programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd

have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going

to the party at [address given] mine might have

remained unfertilized.

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This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US:

Japanese Prime Minister Yoshiro Mori was given some basic English

conversation training before he visits Washington and meets with

President Bill Clinton.

The instructor told Mori: "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with

President Clinton, please say "How are you?". Then Mr. Clinton should

say "I am fine, and you?"

Now you should say "Me, too". Afterwards, we translators will do all

the work for you".

It looks quite simple, but the truth is..............

When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who are you?"

Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:

"Well, I am Hillary's husband, ha ha....."

Then Mori replied confidently "Me, too, ha ha .......".

Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.

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The train

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh

shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them

out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an

older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that?

It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you,

I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well

want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells,

throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps.

Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear

while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her

knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the

woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to

sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've

paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out

of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the

train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha,

you'll get fined £200 for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when

the police smell your fingers."

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911 Emergency

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He does't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator,

"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says,

"Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!

The redneck comes back on the line and says,

"OK, now what?"

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16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross

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