jehh

Cute joke

1017 posts in this topic

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.

She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses"

Jason

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
*shakes head*

My friend John sent that to me, I thought it was funny... Or at least mildly amusing... :P

Jason

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My Vote: Very funny!

Tip: Try visualizing yourself in the picture and it gets funnier!?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A kid comes home from school with a writing assingnment. He asks his father for help, "Dad can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up thoughtfully and then says "I'll display it. Go ask you mother and sister if they'd sleep with someone for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned"

The kid is puzzled but decides to see if he can figure our what is dad means. He asks his mother "Mom, If someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile says" dont tell your father, but yes" Then he goes to his sister, "sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with brad pit?" His sister looks up and say "omigod yes"

The kid goes back to his dad, and says "Dad, I think Ive figured it out, Potentially we are millionares, but in reality we're living with two loose women"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay folks, this is for real...you only have to wait a while before it starts circulating your mailboxes:

.. Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to

work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM

morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big

Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'MateMatch'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida

if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name?

First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said

that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this

morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us

for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred

times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get

this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

3 minutes of commercials follow.

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"

(touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now

and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us.

Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...

do you know the rules of 'MateMatch'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be

completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If

your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you

will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea

World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it

Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before

Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect

his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are

one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "In the ass....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station

break"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dextroz:

awesome!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Here goes, maube some of you have read these:Things that make you go...Hmmmmmm!!!!!?

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to

your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap

parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make

the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to

get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy

cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order

double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both

doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars

worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put

our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering

machines to screen calls and then have call waiting

so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to

talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs

in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word

'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in

Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning

'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have

drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER:

Why women can't put on mascara with their

mouth closed?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial

flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal

injections?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress

the opposite of progress?

In case you needed further proof that the

human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some

actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while

sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my

hair).

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner!

No purchase necessary.Details inside. (the

shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like

regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving

suggestion:Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on

bottom): "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit

late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product

will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not

iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more

time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not

drive a car or operate machinery after taking this

medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of

construction accidents if we could just get those

5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause

drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For

indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be

used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help

me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains

nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of

this garment does not enable you to fly." (I

don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this

one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to

stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a

lot of this happening somewhere?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe,

uh...fly Delta?)

P.S. Personally I have nothing against America :) , seriously.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a Gyn. appointment tomorrow." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. Later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear "Do you have a Dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN (this is really cool...)

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick. :roll:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

lol...very nice guys.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

God gave to Adam

God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"

Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."

God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."

Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"

God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Confession booth 2

Fellow goes to confession and tells the priest "Father, I've done something terrible. I just know they're going to throw me out of the church for this one."

"Hold, on," says the priest, "what have you done that's so bad they're going to throw you out of the church?"

"Yesterday, my wife was bent over a sack of potatoes and I looked at her ass and got so turned on I went lifted her skirt and had sex with her right there and then."

"There's nothing wrong with that," says the priest, "you're allowed to have sex with your wife.

Why on earth would you think they would throw you out of the church for that?"

"Well," the man said, "they threw us out of the grocery store."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is the last one:

Car crash

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Very funny, thanks for the humor... :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains,

"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Twenty CEOs of IT companies board an airplane. They are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. (How many of you read it as Un-Screwed? :) )

Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm

indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies, "If it's the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Last one for the day...

Corporate lesson_1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable Exposure!

Corporate lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized."Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Always be well informed in your job, or you might

miss a great opportunity!

Corporate Lesson 3

Usually the executives and staff of the company play football.

The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis.

The top management usually has a preference for Golf.

Finding: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls

reduce in size.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

here's a dirty one. :)

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.

The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"

The doctor replied "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"

The patient's friend replied "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"

"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now