A man walks into a doctors office and says, "Doc, you've got to look at my ass, it's killing me!" The doctor tells him to drop his pants and bend over.
The man does so, and the doctor says, "Holy stinker! Your asshole is huge! What the hell happened?"
The man says, "I was raped by an elephant."
The doctors reply was quick. "But that doesn't figgure, elephant cocks are long and thin."
To which the man says, "Well, he fingered me first."
The Amish Hand Warmer.
An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"